Far From Home
I wrote this little enigmatic piece in order to emerge from a dark place. It contains references that probably only make sense to someone who has lived my life but they may have some resonance or reflective value for you. I will record it for SubStack soon, not for vanity but for catharsis.
soot on the lawn
potatoes roasted in water
diesel fumes with raspberry sauce
sycamore helicopters
conkers
I remember my father trying to persuade me to go with him in his car, and something in my head telling me, No! Feeble words betrayed not only my innocence but also my weakness and left him leaving, disappointment remaining his almost final act of fatherhood.
You are as alien to me as the earnest recitations of proselytes, as dishonest and transparent as that time I was caught stealing a toy car at school. I do not understand why you’re not embarrassed.
spring greens with gravy
butter icing and smarties on a Devil’s Food cake
brass bottle bath taps
Rachmaninov’s second
condensation on pink painted brick
meat loaf sandwiches
rugby boots and solder
a proper REME soldier
who never admitted knowing Vic Burns
who sang with the sobbing Taffies after the ENDEX stew
who learned new games like freckles
who verified
(as an objective outsider because of his wrong-coloured hat)
Corporal Kelly’s legendary feat of pissing lengthways over a three-tonner without wetting the canvas
burning paraffin
a marmite that divides the world
a familiar smell that connects alien lands to home
I weep at the trooping of the colour even though I have never trooped one myself
and despair the disappointment felt
as if these people were my own
alienated children
weak
ignorant
innocent of service
strangers to discipline
squabbling in the dirt like pigs
arguing over acorns that were not theirs in the first place
acorns transported from the safe and familiar
who now find themselves alone and hopeless
cast out and away
as Great Oaks
an unrequited potential
but for the comfort and counsel
of those who could not
or chose not
a passing melody
reminiscent of a tune I once heard
lights
for a moment
a darkness
flickering flame
brightens and dies in a political breath
you were always alien to me
I know that now
and I always knew that tune would not age well
the acorn escapes the fight
finds nurture
finds nourishment
in foreign soil
grows
disappointed in itself
14th June 2025